Ever feel like you have been lying to yourself? If feel that maybe all of the decisions that you have made this far has been bad and you’ve only been telling yourself this is fine, it’ll be alright? That’s kind of how I am feeling at this moment. I’m starting to wonder if I haven’t been just lying to myself trying my hardest to over look serious problems in my life. I’m good at it, I tell myself that I’m just over looking the issue because in the long run does it really matter?  The answer, It always matters in the long. When an issue comes up I always think “I’m over reacting, looking far too much into this situation, or I’m wrong and that person is right. I tell myself this because I want to desperately to believe what that person is telling because I want to believe in the good in people. I’m gullible, I’ve always known this and I tend to quite literally turn a blind eye to people when they start to lie and hurt me.  It’s funny because the more the person hurts me the more that I don’t want to see the truth.  And then when I do learn the truth I think to myself, No I’m not seeing this right and then the person in question will tell me another lie and I let myself believe it and go on with it. I’ve been lied to, I’ve been cheated, I’ve been hurt by people that I have deeply loved and trusted.  But hey who hasn’t? But now I am starting to think that when does it end? When do I stop that cycle? When do I finally start choosing the right people to trust? When do I tell the people that are hurting me, I’m done?  The answer? I don’t know, I’m still wanting to cling onto my false happiness for right now. My false contentment. Let those around me that I trust keep up their lies for now and do nothing. What would you do? Would trade more pain if you could go on being blissfully unaware? Would you make the trade? You think that you know the answer, I thought I did, but when are put into the situation, you will find yourself hesitant, and double guessing yourself. Beautiful human nature.

 

 

 

The panther animal totem is a very powerful and protective presence. If you have this creature as your totem, you are blessed to have such a fierce and aggressive guardian with you.

The panther is a symbol of courage, valor and power. The panther has also sometimes associated with the sun, and solar vibrancy in some cultures (South American, & Central American).

Individuals with panther totem s are usually people who come into this world with a spiritual knowing - a deeper understanding of spiritual things. These people often are very intuitive, psychic, and many are artistically inclined.

Of all the panthers, the black panther has the greatest mysticism associated with it. It is a symbol of the mother, the dark moon and the power of the night. The black panther encourages us to understand the shadow powers available to us all, to acknowledge these powers and to eliminate our fears of the darkness.

When the black panther totem appears in your life, it is also a symbol of releasing your passions, and starting a new phase of your life. A phase in which you are discovering your desires, and living your dreams.

The panther animal totem asks us these questions:

• What is my Shadow Self trying to tell me?
• Are my passions helping or hindering me at this time?
• Am I still on the right spiritual path for myself?
• Am I supressing latent desires?
• Am I putting others' needs before my own to the point of self-neglect?
• Am I being mindful of my movements - both physical and emotional?
• Am I being defensive? Who or what am I protecting and why?

When the panther animal totem comes to us (whether it be in the form of images or real sightings) we must begin paying attention to the strength of our inner being - our internal fortitude, and the condition of our spiritual strength & valor. Panthers also beckon us to consider our darker side - analyze this side of ourselves and determine its motivation.

There are many ways to obtain stronger messages and communications with our animal totem. Follow this link for information on animal totem journaling, meditation, and dream walking.

 

 

So here's just another update into my wonderful life. Currently right now i'm learning the wonderful
art of Poi Spinning. It's fire spinning, don't know what it is google it. I'm obsessed with it.
I'm learning quickly and i'm hoping to actually spin fire around beltane. :) our haven here I come.
So with poi lessons i also bought a new Tarot Deck. Yes me who said that no other deck talked to me
more than the White deck i bought the Hidden Path deck. The imagery is completely different than the
traditional decks but a beautiful deck none the less. Its just getting used to looking at the cards
a different way that takes a while. Also bought a new Bast Statue to put on my desk. Now my Goddess
can watch over me at work. Boy that just sounds wrong.

Speaking of work.....................who the hell has open houses at thier work??? I'm suppose to
bring family to this thing???? What family, other than Bear that's 3. Wolf is still in Germany but
coming home in April. So i'm looking forward to that. But yeah again I'm not invitinig mom and dad
to a work open house I think not.

So Yule is almost upon us. Where has this year gone? Longest night is almost here, can't believe it.
I've been married for almost 4 months and Wolf has been gone now for over 2 years. That doesn't really
sound right does it??? This year has been a wirlwind. Life can get so complicated but really whose
fault is it?? NO one but my own really. I'll be posting some yultide goodies on my covenspace page,
at http://indypagans.covenspace.com . So please go a take a look in the next couple of days. Bright Blessings
every one and Merry Yule.

I am a Snapdragon      What Flower Are You?

So yeah life's sometimes weird,

I know that everyone says that at one point or another but really life can tend to take the
twist of a life time. So here recently at work there have been rumors flying around at
work about me and more than one of the guys at work. Now normally, i would just ignore
it and leave it alone but now I'm starting to worry that my management is starting
to wonder if the rumors are right. I mean I like my techs don't get me wrong but this
is work for crying out loud. So i did a reflection spell last night. Bad thing is that
i didn't have a mirror so i used a piece of foil instead. Gotta do whatca gotta do.
:)

No the other thing that's happening in my life is that I've meet a very interesting
man. Unlike any other person I've meet before. Now me and him are just friends(in case
any of u don't know that I'm married), but he is so interesting. I did a search on him
for emotions. I can sum up that experience in one word "Ow". It hurt, allot, when i
first tried to push through I got a headache. Took me twice just to get through. Then
once i was in i saw his heart, it was still beating but it was like encased in a thin
layer of ice. He told me that he was cold hearted but i mean, i kinda saw it literally.
Then i tried to follow a thread, with me people have thread's that spread through out
them that lead to different parts of them selfs, emotions, memories etc, i tried
following a particular black
thread when all of sudden, and i mean all of a sudden, i get a flash of a wing and then
BAM throw out of his head. Ok, now in case people don't know this, being thrown out of
someone's head hurts. Its happened a couple of times to me but normally i get some type
of warning. With this it was just BAM, thrown out. So yeah "Ow".


And there is also another first with him, his colored changed. I've only seen one
other person's color change like his. His color is normally purple with streaks of
gold in it. Intense but with a good soul. I've only seen purple in one other person
and she was prolly one of the most powerful witches i have ever meet, but she didn't
have control. Could that be it??? Could he just have allot of power? That might be it.
Maybe he has allot of power but just doesn't know how to control it yet? Normally if a
person has allot of power but no control it bleeds over to their color making their color
change dramatically. In one day i saw this guy go from Purple with gold to a sunshine
Green to a blue, back to purple. Those are big changes in color. Ummm interesting,
please people give me your thoughts on why his color changes. Its an interesting puzzle.